Just Another Day

I have two of my nephews over this weekend.  B spent last night here at my apartment and we went to the gym this morning after breakfast (the pool and hot tub are closed).  I cleaned the kitchen while Jeff is still playing World of Warcraft with B.  His brother, C, will be dropped off here shortly, and will be going with me to the store.  After that we will all be here waiting until their mom, K, picks up B and C will stay the night.  All four of us will be going to see Battle: L.A. tomorrow on the big screen down the street.
I'm trying to clean up the place and do laundry etc, get all of my chores caught up, because I have two interviews Monday and may be working all next week.  Wish me luck!

On The Horizon

Well I have been (relatively) busy this week.  I had one interview and have two more (one is a follow-up of the one I had yesterday, it's a working interview which I will get paid for) on Monday.  I hope I can get a job, and KEEP it.  Frankly, we need the money.  More later, I have to go get ready for the day now.

more of the same

I feel as though I am nothing but a let down, both to myself and others, physically, financially, and emotionally.  I feel paralyzed in my own body but don't have an 'egg tooth' to break through my shell.  I can do any work I am assigned, I can do anything, it seems, except land a decent and somewhat-enjoyable job.  I have so much potential and fell as tho I will never get a chance to show of what skills I do have,

The Demon WIthin

I am sometimes so frustrated that among my fibromylagia, chronic fatige and cyclic vomiting syndrome that that would be more than most can handle.  But you know what, all of those things together - 8,000 or so, whereas the bipolar, by itself, is at about 800 millions.  No hyperbole, no joke.
I'm trying to get a job because we need the income and I am tired beyond belief of being a stay-at-home wife,  I am just afraid that no one will hire me, and that no one will give me a chance.  I am an excellent driver and hard worker, I am devoted to getting the job done until it's done, not til the shift is over.
I am as always afraid of failure.  That's all I seem to be able to do is fail.  Perhaps this time will be different?  Oh Goddess Isis I hope so.  Please, Lady of Water, hear my prayer, Ra, God of the Sun, hear my pray.  Sekhmet, Goddess of the earth and my own personal patron, help me to dig out from underneath this pile of rock so that I can walk on my own two feet again.  And Ra, keeper of the sun and daylight, help me to face this new day and new phase of my life.

Now I'm on the Hunt

So last night I spent about an hour sending resumes to about two dozen people who had ads on craigslist (for part time positions exclusively, for now).  I have an interview tomorrow - it's a campaign to try to tackle the problem of childhood obesity.  That's all I know at present.  They are downtown and my appointment is at 11:00 AM.
Also - I know I sent this message out on facebook for most of the folks who read this, but I have a question for my readers: if I were to sell Avon products, would you buy them from me?  I plan to do both online and in-person sales.
Wish me luck in my interview!

Two Dozen

As of yesterday I have two dozen nieces and nephews.  I also consider my friend Kellie's two boys to be my nephews, 'adopted,' as it were.  The youngest was born so quickly her mom had her at home, yesterday in the early AM.
I enjoy being an aunt - I like being able to be a part of these kids' lives, and I like being able to send them back to their Moms & Dads.  I am not going to be having any kids of my own, and being free from that pressure, I think, frees me up emotionally, physically and financially.  I am able to live my own life while (for the most part) setting a good example and being emotionally available for my nieces and nephews.
Even though I'm not a mom, I am a stay-at-home housewife.  This is because my fibromyalgia and cyclic vomiting syndrome, at times, are literally all-consuming.  I had to quit my job because the commute hurt too much, and I haven't gotten one back yet.  I do want to re-enter the workforce, but something easy and low-stress would be best, I think.  My favorite job ever was 7-11, because it was such a low-stress (& low-paying) position.  I think I may try retail sales, but I've also been thinking about maybe applying to a car dealership (there are three within a quarter mile of my home).  When I was in banking, I was consistently (every single month I worked there, including the first one and the 8 months after being promoted to operations, which was supposed to be a non-sales position) in the top five (of the state, not the company) salespersons.  I'm good with people and languages - I do need to brush up on my Spanish before even attempting to do sales in that language again - and genuinely enjoy doing sales as a job (as long as it's a product that is decent, I can't bring myself to try to convince others to purchase something I know is a crappy deal or product).  It would be part-time at first, of course.  I've been thinking about this for a while and I think I will go filling out applications later this week.  I will be looking for something easy, for some extra income as much as to alleviate the boredom that being in pain and not being able to do much creates.
Wish me luck!

Musings

     I have yet to see Black Swan. It just hasn't happened yet mainly because of Jeff's insane work schedule.  Of course, I can go see it myself, and chances are that I wouldn't mind watching it twice.  But I wait, because when I watch whatever it may be - film, TV show, whatever - before watching it again with Jeff I think it takes a little of the fun out of it for him.  He never says anything and maybe he doesn't actually care, but when the film in question is still in theaters (and not Netflix or hulu) I always wait.
     Is it bad or just telling that after seeing the trailer - after each and every of the 20 or so times I've seen it - I always have this little *wish* in the back of my head, if only I had liked ballet and stayed in lessons, I may have had talent! Pfffft *yeah right* all the talent in the world would not have helped me out endurance-wise with my congenital heart condition.  But I digress.  Along with maybe having talent, I maybe could've been a ballerina by trade not just by imagination.  Most people, I think, have thoughts like these.  The romantic 'what if' train of thought is something I think we all fall prey to from time to time.  But my question - is it bad or merely telling - has not to do so much with the romantic notion of what could have been, the life not lived, the 'path not taken,' as Frost put it.  My main motivator in these thoughts I have of being a ballerina?  They are not inspired by the romanticism of the notion itself, nor from the longing for living in pursuit of the arts.  It's 100% because I would be interacting, both in rehearsal, in shows, and backstage, with male ballet dancers.  There have to be some straight ones, right?

A lazy day

I had planned to have a manicure with a sister and her friend today but had to cancel because the pain and nausea together were too much for me to bear at the beginning of my day.  Now as bedtime nears, I am more optimistic for my prospects tomorrow.  My errands tomorrow include going to the store (for my own home and for a friend who recently had back surgery and has two little ones), then visiting said friend at her home (about 30 miles from my home in the more rural area east of Denver), coming home, possibly picking up my K5 Blazer from discount tire, and cooking dinner.  Tuesday I hope to have lunch again w my mom - I have to go down towards her side of town to get the rest of an Rx refill, then plan to spend the rest of the afternoon with be laundry and cleaning, before cooking dinner.  Hopehully Wednesday I will have my K5 back and will be able to see my sister M and maybe do some baking or something relaxing like that.  All of my plans are contingent on my health, and as with my plans today, can fall though at no more than a moment's notice. Sorry, K, next Sunday we will plan to reschedule and hopefully C can join us then too.  Going to sleep, good night interwebz.

An Okay Day Today

     I awoke when my husband's alarm went off - 4:30 MST - and couldn't fall back asleep because of the pain.  I took my phenergan (to prevent nausea/emesis, a side effect of my pain meds), waited 25 miserable minutes, then took my oxycontins (2 X 20mg tabs) and two 10/325 oxycodone.  It took about half an hour for it to kick in fully and allow me to try to get back to sleep, but I was awake for the better part of an hour anyway.
     Shortly after Jeff's alarm went off, right after he got out of the shower, the power went off.  Or, more accurately, some of the power outlets stopped puttin' out the juice, while others were fine.  A call to the maintenance department of our apartment complex informed us that the issue was due to Xcel (the company which has a monopoly of power here in Denver) and there was no ETA as for when it would be up and fixed.  Thank goodness it went out five minutes AFTER his alarm, not five before, or he most certainly would've slept in late.  All I could think about was how many people in this apartment complex are going to be late to the bus or work or school because the power (spottily) went out @ 4:35 AM.
     Anyway, I don't remember Jeff leaving, so I must've gone back to sleep by 5:30 or so.  I got a few good hours in, waking up around 10.  Did my yoga and was extra glad for having awakened earlier that morning, as the two 20mg oxy's were helping me SO much with my exercises.  Didn't make it to the pool but I did make it to the shower.  I even got all nice and ready and put earrings, necklace, nice shirt and jeans, and makeup on!  Now THAT is a good day, just that alone!
     How sad is that, though?  That a 'good' day means taking a shower and making myself somewhat presentable?  I was lucky enough to spend the late afternoon and most of the evening with my dear friend, my 'brutha from anutha mutha,' Jon, and his boyfriend Michael today.  We went on a double date out to eat at a Vietnamese-Chinese fusion restaurant near our home, called 'Golden Saigon.'  I got the chef's plate calamari but it wasn't nearly as good as it sounded on the menu.  In my opinion calamari should ALWAYS be breaded but maybe that's just mah southern roots a'talkin'.
     Just took my nightly pills: 60mg X propranolol (hypertension), 100mg X chlorpromazine (cyclic vomiting and BP II), 25mg X phenergan (nausea), 4mg X xanax (to help me keep from worrying myself awake all night), 40 X oxycontin (so as not to awaken from pain during the night), and 75mg X nortryptiline (cyclic vomiting and depressive side of bipolar).  What a mouthful.  Literally.
    I look back and only ten years ago I could've seen myself being a literal rocket scientist at my age now but the current picture?  Not even close.  I can't even hold down a job bacuse of all the sick days I'd have to take.  I could do it, yeah, but how many HR reps are going to hire a person who would be chronically vomiting in the cubicle next to half a dozen more people?  As if, "Don't worry it's not contagious' will even be believed much less make it more bearable. Please.
    That's all for tonight my dearies! Feel free to email me, leave a comment, or post a comment on my husband's facebook wall (Jeffery Conner DOB 6/8/80).  Til next time, peace and I hope you all feel better than I do!

Snow snow snow ho ho ho

The last two days we've had awesome weather here in the Mile High City but this morning I was awakened @ about 6:30 by pain.  Every time we get precipitation here, snow or rain, I can feel it coming before anyone can see it.  Upon waking, I looked out the window and sure enough, there was snow falling.  It hasn't stopped falling yet and the roads are icy and slick!

I went to brunch w my parents and two youngest sisters to celebrate my Mom's birthday.  It was really nice, the only bummer was that w the worsening weather my sisters left after just a few minutes.  We had been planning to spend a couple of hours together, but I feel they made the more prudent decision by not staying.

So my day is going to turn out to be another boring one, I think.  My friend S is coming over (walking!!) to help me w housework and to keep me company as well.  He's a well-read and intelligent person, which is a very big part of why we get along.

It Makes Me Sad and It Makes Me Worry

     As previously noted, my friend K-A has stage III cancer and, not having health insurance, hasn't yet had the surgery to remove her tumors.  This should have been done before Memorial Day, yet the Dr's are letting it grow.  I sing it to the tune of 'edelweiss' : Tumors move, and grow, move and grow for ever....
     I was over there yesterday and witnessed the effects of her tumors on her spinal cord - shaky, wobbly, every step a potential fall.  Then she sort of nodded off and came to a few seconds later.  I think it may have been a petit mal seizure but I'm no Dr so I can't say for certain.
     I think that the very next time I witness something like that, I'm going to call an ambulance for her.  She's stubborn and I will have to enlist the aid of both of her sons to let the paramedics take her, but she needs to go.  Enough is enough.  I can't watch her die a slow and painful death and do NOTHING about it.  I just can't.

More On the Blazer

For those of you who are curious - we are getting a new rim and a *free* (thank you, warranty!) tire, and then off to sears for an alignment, AGAIN.  After that I will get the welding done (rear shocks and a clip on the muffler).  After the welding is finished, it's headed back to Sears for the alignment and the other work they said it needed.  And HOPEFULLY by next tuesday I'll be able to go to the DMV to get the title switched over and the registration put in my name.

An emotionally taxing day today

     It all started out with me getting sick around 11 PM and then again when Jeff's alarm went off.  I had to drive him  back to work - the blazer slid on some ice and the curb of the sidewalk murdered my right front rim :-( so it's in the shop for the moment - mainly because I wanted to check to see how my dear friend, K-A, was doing.  She has metastatic cancer, cervical at the beginning, but now has a tumor on her thyroid and suspects she has more in her lymph nodes.  She was doing really, really badly today, worse than I've seen her before.  I was able to run some errands for her - it's not a big help but I figure every little bit counts - depositing into her business and personal accounts, then picking up her younger son, B., up from his bus stop.
     After I left her home, I went back down the to Denver Tech Center to pick my husband, J, up from work @ 6:00. And I cried all the way to his place of work.
     I am a witch, a self-proclaimed solo practitioner, and if there were any way I could take all of her cancer away from her and give it me to instead I would, in a heartbeat.  She has two kids and I have two cats. I think it's a lot harder to be the healthy person in the hospital room and easier to be the person on the gurney, the sick one.  I've been on both sides of that fence and I much prefer to be the sick person, not the concerned well-wisher or family member.  Perhaps this is a weakness of mine. In the brief time I spent in JROTC and the Air Force the definition of integrity is: "always do the right thing, even when no one's watching."  I try to live my life by this credo but some days are harder than others.
   I want to help people, and if my vocation truly is to help women, then I feel as though her misfortune is being presented to me as an example of how bad it can be.  I know it's not my fault, I know it's got nothing to do w me, but I feel as though I, myself, don't deserve life, don't want to keep on living (more often that anyone knows, Husband J included), and I don't get out of bed in the morning until I absolutely have to, because I feel like a useless stupid money sponge.  That's what I feel, and that's what I am.

Wednesday's belated post

Hi Guys!
I didn't get home until pretty late last night and forgot to post here on my blog. So here's the scoop on Wednesday: Nothing special happened.  I was just in quite a bit of pain, which took about 85% or so of my attention.  I did get to have a nice, if brief, chat with Kellie while her kids were still in school so that was nice.  For all of you who are following her condition, it's getting worse and she doesn't seem to be able to set a date w the surgeon.  We think that because of the continued delay in surgery her cancer is spreading and starting the affect every aspect of her time.  She can use (and will appreciate) any prayers said for her at this trying time.  Her main worry is that if she dies, her kids will go to their dad and will never see me or any of her family again.

I'm about to go hop into the shower then off to get my emissions test done on my blazer.  I think that once that's done it'll be a little late to go get the plates, so the DMV will have to wait until Friday.  I'm hoping to get the welding that I need done to get done - all I have to do is buy the shocks for the rear end of the car.  And once all of THAT is done, I can return to Sears to get the rest of the automotive work done.

I have to admit, driving the Blazer is both fun and far easier than I thought it would be.  I love my V8 engine all the time except @ the gas pump! LOL.

The car repair guys at Sears, as soon as my car was up in the air, ALL came in to tell me what a nice truck I have!  That was a welcome reassurance. She just needs a little work done on her shocks and struts, but isn't leaking anything whatsoever. They also said that it's been obviously taken care of.  I had the alignment, and the steering column fixed, as well as all the fluids - along with the oil - flushed and new ones put in.
I hope at the DMV they will give me classic car plates, so I don't have to go back to the DMV for five more years, although I will need to get my driver license renewed before my birthday (May) this year.

Tuesday January 4th

I got a good deal done today - it won't sound like much to those who don't know me and the physical challenges I have just trying to live a life as an adult in this world with the incredibly unpredictable health that I have. I talked w a welder to get the shocks on the rear axle fixed, $270 plus parts, a better deal than I found elsewhere. The day after I get the shocks fixed I will be taking her back to Sears to finish the front struts and the odds and ends that need to be done. What made my day was both yesterday @ Sear's and today with the welder I was told that I have an awesome car in great shape, and the welder even said I was a great driver! Made me happy! ='-'=

Tomorrow I am taking out elderly neighbors (they don't have a car) to the grocery store and to get haircuts in the mid morning until about noon or so, then after that I'm going to have a little 'girlie time' w my best friend Kellie, we're going to get our nails done together.

I was very pleased to be able to get some of my Rx's filled - percocet, xanax and phenergan (for the nausea from the opiates). Because of this, my pain level is at a much lower level than it was yesterday when I was posting on this blog. After I get all the government paperwork and repair work done on my blazer, I will call to set up an initial appointment with the pain rehab center in Aurora. It's just south of the HS I graduated from, on Jewell Blvd (st? rd?).

That's all for tonight! Thanks to all of you who read and comment. I may not reply right away or even at all to comments but I do love them!

Peace, Rosy

Today is my mom's birthday! I called her in the early afternoon to wish her well, and we decided that I will be taking her out to lunch later this week. I still owe her $50 too (she picked a Christmas present up for me @ the store, haven't seen her since to pay her back).

I walked around the Aurora Mall today. Those of you who haven't been here the last few years haven't seen it in its remodeled finished glory. I think the construction brought it up from a 2 star establishment to a 3.2 star establishment (out of...five, I guess). I had to have automotive work done on our new (used) truck. It's a 1987 K5 Blazer, full size with a V8 engine. I love it even though I'm not crazy about the color (sky blue white trim). Today I got the alignment fixed, the steering column worked on (it's noticeably better now, not nearly as loose as it was), an oil change, all the other fluids changed, new front brakes and had it checked out while it was up in the air, see what work needs to be done.

Well, A LOT of work needs to be done. About $1,000 worth of work in addition to what I had done today ($225). We already had new tires put on, but the main thing seems to be that the body of the car itself, the chassis, struts, etc all need to be repaired/replaced. All things considered, it's a 24-year-old truck and it's very likely that it still has all the original parts (although I know that the engine has about 5,000 miles on it). So tomorrow after I go get the emissions testing done, and after I wait and wait at the DMV, if there's enough time left in the day then I will get those repairs done then. It might have to wait until Wednesday though.

First Post!

Hello and thank you for taking the time to read my new blog! This site is currently on construction, but it won't be so bare-boned for very long! I look forward to using this blog as a way to vent my frustrations, update my family and friends on my health and life, and to be able to write. I've been almost completely steering clear of reading fiction books, as well as avoiding writing very much. My resolution this year is to start and stick with physical therapy for my body, and spend more time reading literature and poetry. I think that having a blog will help me to stick with both of those things. Feel free to leave a comment, or not. :-)