It all started out with me getting sick around 11 PM and then again when Jeff's alarm went off. I had to drive him back to work - the blazer slid on some ice and the curb of the sidewalk murdered my right front rim :-( so it's in the shop for the moment - mainly because I wanted to check to see how my dear friend, K-A, was doing. She has metastatic cancer, cervical at the beginning, but now has a tumor on her thyroid and suspects she has more in her lymph nodes. She was doing really, really badly today, worse than I've seen her before. I was able to run some errands for her - it's not a big help but I figure every little bit counts - depositing into her business and personal accounts, then picking up her younger son, B., up from his bus stop.
After I left her home, I went back down the to Denver Tech Center to pick my husband, J, up from work @ 6:00. And I cried all the way to his place of work.
I am a witch, a self-proclaimed solo practitioner, and if there were any way I could take all of her cancer away from her and give it me to instead I would, in a heartbeat. She has two kids and I have two cats. I think it's a lot harder to be the healthy person in the hospital room and easier to be the person on the gurney, the sick one. I've been on both sides of that fence and I much prefer to be the sick person, not the concerned well-wisher or family member. Perhaps this is a weakness of mine. In the brief time I spent in JROTC and the Air Force the definition of integrity is: "always do the right thing, even when no one's watching." I try to live my life by this credo but some days are harder than others.
I want to help people, and if my vocation truly is to help women, then I feel as though her misfortune is being presented to me as an example of how bad it can be. I know it's not my fault, I know it's got nothing to do w me, but I feel as though I, myself, don't deserve life, don't want to keep on living (more often that anyone knows, Husband J included), and I don't get out of bed in the morning until I absolutely have to, because I feel like a useless stupid money sponge. That's what I feel, and that's what I am.
Couldn't help but notice this was posted at 11:11 and superstitious fool that I am I have to make a wish for you.
ReplyDeleteRosy, I wish that you could see how much more you are. You are a strong woman, a beloved wife, daughter, sister, aunt, niece, role model, friend...You are creative and beautiful and you make your husband's life absolutely magical. You are one of the smartest people I've ever met, and we come from a family of DAMN SMART PEOPLE! I know it's hard to see your best friend suffer; know that I'm here for you.